Words from the Belly of the Whale

I almost didn’t write tonight, just like I haven’t written for the past few weeks. I could spin a lot of excuses about how I was busy or didn’t have anything to say, but the truth is, I was just scared.

Vulnerability makes everyone feel icky. I am no exception. The ickiness was so intense these last couple weeks that I have neglected to write for fear of it further intensifying. But God called me to start a blog and share the stuff that he and I talk about and I let my fear get in the way of what he called me to do, so like Jonah running from Nineveh, I ran from you people. Now I’m in a bit of a whale sized capsule of ickiness. And so I say I'm sorry to my handful of faithful readers and anyone else who may have perhaps needed the words I was too scared to write.

So to make up for lost time, I guess this post in kind of two in one. First is about vulnerability and how fear affects the bodyof Christ. And second it’s about knowing what God thinks of you and living by that before anyone else’s opinion, even your own. I don’t know exactly how personal all of this will get, but if I’m battling the fear of ickiness, may as well face it head on.

To put my thoughts and personal revelations about God on the internet brings both moments of excitement and ones of terror. I admit to being sheepish even in the way I phrase certain truths. In some cases, that kind of tip-towing is good and useful because there are some delicate and easily misunderstood topics that require care. Other times, it just makes me appear less sure than I am about the incredible invincibility of God’s word, and that sucks.

Writing these posts puts my personal walk with God on a page accessible for anyone. Accessible for anyone to misinterpret, for anyone to speak badly about, to question my faith and my character and sanity and use of the English language. And for about three weeks, I didn’t want to give you all that chance.

Now I'm having to repent and say sorry and it's making me all the more vulnerable and all the more icky, but I also know I'll feel better for it later.

Well, I'm pretty darn pissed off at ickiness. The fear of discomfort that stops people from doing what they need to do, the sneaky little lies and justifications Satan deposits in our minds have the function of chaining us back, sewing our mouths closed, and restraining the true Gospel. And I am guilty of thinking my comfort was more important than what God may want to do through me.

There are an awful lot of lies floating around and what I really need is to just lay down some truth. The truth is that when we humbly seek God and to understand him and to share his truth, he has us covered. He won’t let us fall without also granting redemption. And it is sometimes worse to miss an opportunity than it is to make a mistake by taking action.

If you are seeking god humbly and prayerfully, especially around others who do the same, there is no shame in vulnerability. If you later find out you were wrong, you repent and move forward. If someone says you were wrong and you weren't, you're covered by God. He will defend his truth, it s not your burden to defend him or yourself. If you have a struggle that you're afraid of sharing because you either don't know someone well enough or you know them too well, but God urges you on to seek help among the body, nothing they can do in judgment will negate God's intentions for you and the rewards you will receive by obeying him.

Being vulnerable and still having peace is dependent on knowing that what God says about you is true and what anybody else thinks is irrelevant. If you're afraid of speaking because you may be wrong, if you're afraid of going because you might come back in shame, if you're afraid of trying because you may fail, listen for the truth and declare it, from the rooftops, to the masses, or online.

Which leads me to part two, there are a lot of lies Satan would love to have us believe about ourselves that make it all the harder to do what God tells us to do. Satan wanted Moses to believe that he couldn’t speak well enough to be effective. The truth was that God’s power was not dependent on Moses’ ability. The only way to combat those lies is to declare the truth so, (gulp) here goes…

I am really really bad at thinking good things about myself. I either assume other people don’t see them or will think of me as conceited if I do. I struggle with believing I have anything to offer. I feel like a nuisance people want eradicated. I feel like my struggles and pain are too much hassle to bother anyone else with, and I am even afraid that someone is going to misread this as a call for attention or compliments. I struggle in believing that I can only do more harm than good, and that avoiding ickiness and pain was made possible only by giving into fear. I hide a lot and strive to keep out of the way. I feel almost dirty trying to force myself to feel differently, because doing so would just prove that I really am conceited or selfish or annoying.

I feel called to declare something that makes me feel more uncomfortable than anything else I have ever written. I can imagine all of the ways someone can twist what I know to be true, and how I may regret this tomorrow. But I know it is the truth, even if it's hard to believe sometimes, and even if there is another force trying to make me forget it.

(Deep breath because I'm really uncomfortable actually writing this) God has revealed things to me. He has given me wisdom and I have things to offer other people. My words have value. I am a blessing, not because of anything I have accomplished, but because of how God has chosen to use me.

God says to me "I have given you your worth." "I have called you to speak, write, and lead with what I show you." "I have redeemed your mistakes and will always do so." "You are a treasure, not an issue." “I have chosen where you are, who you are around, who comes into your path. Don’t hide anymore!” “I give you words and you can trust what you say when you follow me.” “Only what I say about you matters.”

So here is a lesson in knowing what God says about you and ignoring what you say about yourself. My prayer for anyone reading this is that you find the courage to declare the truth and fight the lies so as to never be afraid to act according to your calling.