A Confession to Make

I'm writing this post entirely because I'm absolutely terrified to, and I don't think I should have to be. I know a lot of people who have reluctantly said the same things to me and my own response to them is part of the reason I'm not too excited about the responses I'll be receiving. So far, my wonderful husband is the only one who knows what is going on, and I think it's time I explain the recent dwindling blog posts and lack of social interactions.

In a nutshell, my faith is scant at best and completely lost at worst. I kind of go back and forth between, "I want to believe God still cares and is still in my life even if I can't see him right now and I don't feel that way," and "I'm not sure why I ever really believed this stuff in the first place, but it's not working out anymore."

I know the few people to care enough to read my blog are the few who also care enough to be completely freaked out right now. I appreciate that. I appreciate your love and concern. I appreciate how hard some of you desperately want to fight the doubts I'm having with me. I know there is a lot of love and passion being rounded up as you read these words and I thank you for that.

From experience, I know how hard it is to hear this, and I also know how hard it is to wait and mull over and choose the right response. To those of you who I failed to do that with, I'm deeply and truly sorry.

Love is strange because it is so closely related to anger, not towards a person, but towards their problem. To love someone well, you have to hate what you think is hurting them, and that often comes across badly. That's what I'm afraid of, the attack on me that will inevitably come when someone tries to attack my demons.

Now that I find myself on the very dark and lonely side of this subject, I at least know how I would best receive your loving intentions. If nothing else, I'm glad this is happening because it's good to learn and to share how to deal with it.

Here is how you can help me, or whoever else may be in the same kind of place if you don't actually know me.

Pray for me. I'm not sure if that works anymore, but if you are, and you're right, I can sure use it.

If you want to talk, please listen. What I could use is an open ear and some judgement-free support. Hear me out, try to understand my struggle, and give me some credit for having legitimate reasons for my doubts. The last thing I want to do is try to talk you out of your faith, so please extend respect to me as well where I am.

Be encouraging. I know this word has different definitions to different people so let me give you mine. Give courage to me. Build me up. Give me reason to have confidence in myself while I fight this. Positive encouragement: "I know things look bleak right now, but I know that you will figure this out because you are a strong person who won't give up. I believe God loves you, and so do I. Can I give you some advice?" Here you are giving me reason to feel validated and loved. Negative encouragement: "Of course God loves and cares for you, there is so much evidence you're ignoring that you should know is true. You're just dealing with a lot and when that's over this will be too. You need to read this and pray more." Here, you are making me feel pressured to be fixed and like you think I'm stupid.

I made the mistake of bombarding my friends with rhetoric and apologetics of every kind. I dismissed their struggles as weakness or failure. Now I know that faith is sometimes too personal for argument. I know I'm not weak. I know I'm not a failure. I know I didn't make a flighty and petty decision. I also know all the rhymes and reasons that you have for thinking I'm wrong. I have a 4 year degree from a Bible college where it got an A in apologetics and never less than a B in all my thirty-three units of Biblical studies. I didn't throw away my beliefs on a dramatic whim. I mourn the loss of the thing that once brought me so much joy and purpose. I fear for what my doubts mean for my family. If I could conjure it all back, I would. It's just not that easy right now. I can't ignore my reasons for doubt, I have to face them and, hopefully, conquer them.

Like I said, I'm afraid to post this, but I don't think I should have to be. But see, I've seen my sister expelled from school for having doubts and she was only a teenager. I've been to churches where the kids who could fake it the best were the ones who were made to feel special and the ones who struggled were left in the corner alone. And, I personally engaged with two other people in a rhetoric war to try to argue the struggles out of our forth friend's head.

Christians can be some of the best warriors, which is good when it's properly directed at Satan and the like, but that defensive stance and expert weapon handling are too often aimed at broken and hurting people who end up all the more bloody and bruised. I think of how Jesus approached people with gentleness and how open his arms were to them. It would be easier for me, and probably a lot of other people, to believe all of that is real if his followers responded the same way.

Again, your love and support and prayers are deeply appreciated. I'll update the blog as things progress.