I mentioned once before that my husband and I have been lead
to a situation that is not comfortable, not conventional, and not logical. In
short, God has called us to appear very very silly.
For the most part, I love where we are. I can see how God is
working, and even if things don’t turn out the way we plan or hope for, this
waiting period has benefits of its own. Even if our plans are just a way for us
to maintain our sanity while we wait, that’s okay too. I know why I believe we
are here by God’s call and why we are obediently rather than foolishly waiting
on him.
The problem is that some people don’t get it. Even our closest
friends can say and do things that make us question if we are where we should
be. To an extent, this is most welcome. Accountability of this kind is important
because, if we were just being idiots and were not being responsible, we may
need someone to tell us that.
But we’re not just being idiots. Even if we are wrong about the
future, where we are is good and needs to happen. And I don’t think we are
wrong about the future. I am being an obedient wife to an obedient husband. And
sometimes that is just hard.
Don’t get me wrong, we have some wonderful and supportive people
in our lives, and even those who may not trust us still want what is best for
us. However, I find myself stumbling. I haven’t stopped striving to do what God
has called me to do, but my desire to be obedient is wavering. I’m tired and a
little ashamed. I feel judged and I feel the weight of that judgment pressing
down on me and making me question what is really happening.
What if we are wrong? What if it is all in our imagination?
What if we have put ourselves, our son, and a lot more people we love in a big
hole that won’t be easy to climb out of. I wrote last week about hearing God’s
voice. How silly will I feel if it turns out that I haven’t really been able to
do so? How will that be redeemed, and how long will that take?
Daily, we pray for confirmation of God’s plan, for guidance
and correction if needed. I don’t have any GOOD reason to turn back, to ask my
husband to look for another path, but I want to tonight. A new prayer has been
added recently that I may be speaking more often and more desperately than the
others and that is that even if we are wrong, God will honor our desire to
serve him and our genuine attempt to know what he wants and the consequences
for our lack of understanding will be small. Faith right now takes the form of
action rather than feeling.
I was reminded today of a quote from C.S. Lewis’ Screwtape
Letters where one demon says to another “Our cause is never more in danger than
when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will,
looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have
vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."
Not all trace of God has vanished, but he is questioned. Maybe
when this season is over we will see how being faithful worked out for the best
or maybe we will be forced to see what mistakes we made and the signs we missed
before. But I pray that whatever we go through has purpose for our family and maybe
even for others.
I will remain obedient to what I think I am being told to
do, knowing that God is merciful and patient with his imperfect and foolish
little children. I will try to be bold and unashamed of where I am. I know, at
the very least, this isn’t the scariest thing God will ever ask of us, and that
I will be just as bombarded with doubts when that scenario does come up. Faith was
never intended to be easy. There are too many Screwtapes for that. But it’s
worth it, and that’s what I needed to remind myself of tonight.
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