I'm not sure how this post is going to work. I can't read so I'm trying to talk into this new app that turns my voice into text. I can't tell if it's typing accurately so we'll see how this goes.
In case you don't know, I've been very sick for about a month. I can't read. I sometimes can't talk. I have some idea of what might be wrong with me but no complete answers yet. I ended up in the ER last week with vertigo lasting for hours and so bad that I couldn't move my head at all without the world spinning out of control. I've had 7 migraines in 5 weeks. I've spent the last month in a complete fog. I'm not going to get my Christmas presents done in time. I haven't been able to write. Time with my kids is absolutely exhausting, and I know I haven't been as patient with them as I should be. I'm tired and frustrated.
One thing I've never mastered is understanding my value beyond but I am able to do. I found ways to consol myself for not doing and being the things I want to do and be that make me feel better, but at this point all the things that I can't do are growing by degrees. Even praying and reading my Bible are not always options, and it's becoming a really upsetting time. There's a lot that I feel motivated to do but I can't physically do.
So what is my value and what is my purpose when I have nothing to offer, when I can't help anybody, and when I can't even take care of my kids? When I'm stuck in bed and I can't write, I can't journal, I can't pray, what can I do? What was I created for? What is my purpose during this time?
I can keep praising God despite how feeble the words in my mind are. I can accept that God created me for some purpose even if rationally I don't understand what that purpose could possibly be. I can keep finding reasons. Because I'm still a child of God. Because I am still saved by his grace and counted as an heir with Christ. Because even sick, unable to read or write or think or pray, I still have a life that is worth everything to God. I am still thankful. I'm thankful for my kids, even though I can't spend time with them the way that I want to and I'm thankful for the sacrifices my husband and family made, even though I would so much rather be taking care of all of them.
I may not see any imediate value to my life right now, but I have trust in my Creator and in my savior that there is value and there is purpose, that even in my very sick and a feeble state, I can try to understand. So I will force myself to rest, to accept help, to try to get better, and to believe that, sick or not, I am still a child of God. I'm still worth so much to him.
