There has been no concept that has baffled me more in both
my Christian and non-Christian life than that of forgiveness.
As a child, I was always described as being unforgiving. I
remember my mother saying things like “She holds grudges,” or, to me, “You just
need to finally forgive them.” I distinctly remember her telling a principal at
my school, after I had gotten into an altercation with another girl, “She
doesn’t forgive anyone, not even herself”. I couldn’t argue with those things
at the time, and, until recently, I really didn’t understand why.
Perhaps I identified certain people by what they had done to
me (like the child in daycare who splashed me in the pool or the third cousin,
whom upon our first meeting, bit me). Perhaps that lead people around me to
think I was holding grudges or not moving past problems when they would mention
that person and I would say “Oh, you mean the one who…”. I can very clearly say
that if I was still to be in a relationship with a person, such as a family
member, I would want resolution when conflict arose, and maybe that was also
taken as me just wanting to beat it all to death and never let go. The problem
is, I believed my whole life that I was an unforgiving person because that was
other people’s perception of me. The truth I now understand is that I had no
idea what forgiveness entailed and it was never clearly explained.
Did forgiveness mean that you act like nothing happened, or
that you feel like nothing happened? To forgive someone who had hurt you, was
it required that you were no longer hurt by what they had done? Was it finding
a justification such as “they were only a kid” or “they didn’t know what they
were doing”? Did it mean you had to trust that person again or give them
another chance to hurt you? What if it was a dangerous person that you knew you
couldn’t trust? Do you have to continue to associate with that person? How does
the abused wife or the rape victim ever forgive if trust is a requirement? If
the person wasn’t sorry for what they had done, do you still have to forgive
them? How do you tell the battered wife or the rape victim that they need to
forgive without sounding cold? How can you expect it of the abused child or the
parent whose child was murdered? What does “forgive” even mean?
Christians and non-Christians alike emphasize the importance
of forgiveness. It is clear that not forgiving someone hurts you a lot more
than it hurts them. I have watched people be destroyed by grudges. This is one
of those self-evident truths taught in the Bible where everyone can pretty much
agree that it is obviously necessary. But, it’s also hard to do, even if you
understand it.
I didn’t understand it. I struggled for a very long time to
understand this concept and, while I desperately wanted to get it, I really
didn’t know where to start. I would often find myself overwhelmed and give up
after a while. I let myself think that I was incapable of it and that maybe my
incapacity was what the people around me meant when they said I just don’t do
it.
Recently, very recently, I decided I really needed to get a
handle on it. I had been in a conflict, the person wasn’t sorry, I was hurt,
and I knew that I would never be able to rid myself of this relationship (no,
not my husband) so it needed to be solved. I didn’t know what forgiving meant
or entailed, but I wanted to. And, I was finally desperate enough to finally
drop the excuses and ask God what he meant when he told me I had to forgive.
“Pardon”. I pictured it stamped on the inside of my head by
a typewriter, and, for the first time ever, a light bulb turned on. This term
is clear. It’s legal. It’s as straight forward as it comes. Someone is
convicted of a crime. Their sentence is removed. Hallelujah! The complicated
thing about that though is that pardon does not always mean justice. The thing
is, neither my pardon nor my sentencing can bring about justice. Only God can
do that. Giving my pardon is only the recognition that it is not my job to
offer sentence and let God do that. That is why forgiveness, offering our
suspension of sentence, brings peace. It puts us in our place and let’s God
handle the rest.
The best way I can clearly describe it is using the image
God gave me soon after the word came out. I pictured myself as a small child
wearing a black robe and powdered wig, both far too big for me and sliding off.
I was standing on a 19th century judicial stand similar to ones I
have seen in movies. I then pictured a man much bigger than me picking me up,
placing my feet on the floor, taking my wig, and seating himself where I had
been. That was when it really clicked.
It is not my job to stand up there. I go to my father, the judge,
I say “this person did this” but I don’t say “this is what we should do about
it”. Instead, I let him take his seat, trust that he will take care of it, and
I walk away. It doesn’t mean that whatever they did was right. It doesn’t mean
that it doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t mean trust needs to be reestablished or
friendships will automatically be restored. It means that I don’t put myself into
the position of having authority over another person. I can have an opinion. I
can want justice. But it’s ultimately not my decision or my definition of
justice that applies. I need to trust God, let him give me peace as he handles
the situation, let him heal me of any pain, let him work in relationships to
restore them, but take myself down as he judges, offer my pardon, and trust God
to do what is just.
This post is in no way my testimony of learning to forgive
and changing my life in ridding myself of the grudges that nearly destroyed my
soul. Now that I feel I know what forgiveness is, I struggle every day to apply
it. But, I did finally realize that I had been struggling to apply it my whole
life and that, sometimes, I did. I was focusing so hard on making things not
hurt, justifying another’s actions, and trying to find a way to trust. I should
have been focusing on letting go of my sense of what needed to happen, (my
wrath, essentially) and sometimes, I was. Now that I know what forgiveness is,
I see that I am not a grudge holder. I still need to forgive and it is still
not easy, but it’s possible and it happens.
It’s a lot less complicated than I had been making it when I was listening
to everyone else half-explain it. I know that all along I should have simply been
turning to God and asking “what does that mean?”.
